Black & white

 In a pocket full of lies
She picked out black from white
She wore her frown upside down
And her shoes inside out. 
She saw the colours in the void
And filled them with spaces of blame
And when she closed her eyes, it was all still the same. 
The brightness was magnified, but the darkness was too
And when it wore out, then it would all be for me and you. 
She saw something no one did,
Was hope really that wrong?
In the words that followed
She wrote her own song. 
Maybe it was more than that,
Maybe she just couldn’t see
But how was she supposed to understand? 
In a world full of yellow, red and blue,
And a million other in her sight,
All she saw was black and white.  

I couldn’t stop looking at her. I wondered if she could see me staring at her from the corner of her eye, but even though I considered that she could, I still held my gaze firmly. She seemed tired after she’d told me what she had done and I remember trying so hard not to show anything on my face, to be completely unreadable, and I hoped I’d succeeded. I didn’t know what I was feeling towards her. Is this normal? Looking at someone so much and then not being able to look away? Me being me, so unfazed and never confused, it felt weird to think about someone so much constantly. My god, she was so beautiful. There was nothing on her mind that those beautiful eyes of hers already didn’t show. She had pretty, long eye lashes that kissed her cheeks lovingly every time she closed her eyes. She tucked a strand of her brown hair carefully behind her ear and I could almost see all of it happening in slow motion. I think about what it would be like to get closer to her, what it would feel like and I question my level of sanity. I’ve definitely lost it. But even if I did like her, would she ever like anyone like me? I’d caught her eye a couple of times, and then both of us had just looked away, like nothing happened. And then it hit me, I was so fathomlessly in love with her and she was so ineffably beautiful. But she was selfless and I was self webbed, she was caring and I was ignorant, she was careful and I was reckless, she was shy and I was stupid and I erased the thought completely. Nah, there was no way she’d ever like me. She looked at me suddenly, and I looked away almost abruptly and I only hoped I didn’t make it too obvious. 

I could feel his eyes on me and it was so hard to not look and check. He’d been staring for so long now and I began feeling extremely self conscious. I tucked a fallen strand of hair behind my ear and tried but failed to imagine what he might be thinking. For the first time in forever, I’d been able to read his usually unreadable face and if I wasn’t wrong, just for a brief second, he looked taken aback after I told him what I’d done. And now here I was, thinking about him. I was doing that I a lot these days and I wondered where these sudden feelings were coming from. I seriously questioned my level of sanity. In spite of all, it was hard not to admit that it was nice to get attention from such a good looking guy. But maybe I was just being paranoid? How could HE like ME? I mean he was popular and smart and he had this reputation and I was, well….me. Plain, old me. And more over, why was I even thinking about him so much? Did I have feelings for him? I didn’t know. One thing I loved admiring about him is how graceful he was. He never stumbled or tripped or stammered. He was sure and comfortable with who he was. He managed to make even his nervousness somehow look smooth and unfazed. It would be an insult to describe him as anything less than perfect, because that’s what he was: perfect. Oh and that small scar below his right eye, it was like it was made and shaped especially for him. And that’s exactly what made me wonder, why me? Because he was graceful and I was messy, he was straight forward and I was hiding, he cared too little and I cared too much, he was sure and I was confused, he was funny and I was boring, he was talented and I was so ordinary. But because I was me and because I was messy, because I was stupid and I did everything that was totally wrong for me….I liked him. 
I couldn’t do it anymore, I finally turned and looked at him, and he looked away carefully, like I was just a passing gaze.

Death and possibilities

Okay so there are three possibilities as to what can happen once you’re dead. 1) the most common and yet the most controversial : heaven. The concept of heaven is pretty simple. Let’s forget the fact that there are seven billion people in the world and our dear God has the time to keep an eye on everyone. He has all the time in the world to maintain books on all the good and bad deeds done by people. And guess what? If your good deeds are more than your bad ones, then you go to heaven. A place where you don’t age, apparently. God is kind of like Santa Claus.  He keeps check on people and then decides who is worthy enough to get gifts (in god’s case the gift is heaven) But there’s one more thing about Santa Claus that we’ve forgotten- he doesn’t exist.
2) You are buried under mother earth, mentally dissolving into nothingness and physically eaten by maggots, worms and what not. But, I refuse to believe that this can happen. You do all this hard work your whole life, fight for yourself, stand up for what’s right, take the hard route and then when you die you’re just…gone? Gone into a kind of darkness that has no end. You don’t get to see if people miss you or what they say about you once you’re gone. You don’t get to see if all that you did while you were alive was of any use. You don’t get to check on your loved ones. And you do so much in life for what? To get layers of soil over your body and a huge stone with your name on it. Woah.
3) You become a ghost and wander forever. You’re there but you’re not really there. You get to see what everyone’s up to. You get to stay in silence. In a way, that’s so cool. But at what cost?
If I say I believe in ghosts then I’m basically saying that I believe we’ll never find peace. You know why they say ‘He’s at peace now’ or ‘he’s in a better place now’ when someone dies? It’s because they’re away from all of it forever. They don’t have to worry about a thing that goes on here. But if we were to become ghosts then we would be stuck here. We would never move on. We would be stuck in between reality and oblivion. We would never find peace. And I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that you only get one life and that’s all. When you’re gone, you’re just gone. You don’t get to stick around and see how things work out.
But then again, these are just possibilities. For all we know, life after death isn’t as simple as being a ghost. It could be so much more complex than anyone could ever imagine. In a way, it’s our blessing and our curse to not know what happens after this. Let’s respect that. Let’s make the most out of this one life. Let’s not worry about what happens next.

Laugh and let go

If we were all extremely honest and straight forward, I think we'd all agree that all of us have a share of complains about the people around us. It might be small and simple things at first, but as we look closer we might realize that the things we like about them are much lesser compared to the things we dislike. I have my fair few share of complains too.
We live in a world where people tend to care about some one more after the person is dead. Where they get to know about them more after they are no more. We live in a world where people love their pet dogs more then their relatives. A world where it is a big deal and a hell of an achievement for a girl to go alone in an auto. A world where we are taught to follow religion and to worship God because otherwise, no one would really care. A world where the threat of hell is given to get things done. A world where the biggest mistake we make is thinking that every friend we have is our best friend. Where, we don't even realize that having a best friend is a very rare thing.
We live in a world where we give out money more than we give love. A world where, if you wear expensive clothes and too much jewellery, you get judged and if you wear faded clothes and no jewellery, you still get judged. If you're too thin, you're judged, if you're fat you're judged. If you're fair, you're judged, if you're dark you're judged. Basically every choice you make from the time you're born is being observed and judged. So, you might as well do what you want, right?
We live in a world where, a person is misunderstood by the company they keep. How can we not see that every person with God's grace has their individual thinking and their own instincts and a sense of right and wrong. They are given their choice to do what they want and they should be strong enough to not get influenced by their company, and if they do get influenced, then its STILL their fault. The choices WE make cannot be blamed on others.
We all know that if we look at the negatives, then we can go on and on cribbing and complaining about it. There are so many, that a whole book can be written on it and even then as we grow up, we can find more.

But, let's a take a moment. Let's not forget this. We live in a world where our mom gets sick worried if we don't text or call whenever we go out. A world where, she'd stay up even the whole night, just waiting for you to come home. Where, the last piece of cake is definitely yours if you like it and even if she loves it. A world where, she makes sure you are comfortable with something before she thinks about her own comfort. A world where even if you don't know her likes and dislikes, she'll know all of yours. A world where, 'home food' and 'outside food' can make all the difference in the world. Where, even if you don't get what you want, you still have what you need. A world where you are blessed enough to go back home to a family dinner where silence, arguments, jokes, stories and fights, everything is equally remembered and cherished. Where you know that wherever you are and whatever you're doing, you have a home to go back to. Where, it might be easy to fight with others, but its too hard to fight with your mom because that's how much you need her. Where, no matter how many people come and go, she will always be there and make sure you always get what you need. When you're sick, happy, sad, worried, angry, confused, flustered- how ever you're feeling, you can always fall and expect to be held by her.
Who cares about the rest of the world?
If you have a home and a family, you already have everything you need.
And if you still feel horrible about the rest of the world, then go to sleep, wake up with swollen eyes and press repeat. Life will eventually get tired of playing the same song over and over again.

Black curtain

Mom said this would be a good idea. She said I need to talk to people. She said I look depressed. But, looks can be deceiving, can’t they? I adjust my black shades on my nose, which seem to be heavier than they should, really. My palms are sweaty from holding my cane which I refuse to keep aside even though I’m sitting on a stool. I know where I am only by the smell of the familiar aroma that is dancing from the kitchen. I can hear chattering around me, but I don’t catch a word until I hear my name in the conversation, someone says, keeping a firm hand on my shoulder, “How are you now?” It’s my aunt’s voice and I think, “My eyes just stopped functioning, how do you think I am?” but I don’t let the words escape, instead I swallow them up, “I’ve been better” I say. I hear her move in front of me and drag a stool, she settles down right next to me, so close that her knee touches mine every time she moves even slightly.  I feel uncomfortable sitting there, I feel abnormal in my own skin somehow like my brain is with me but I’m in someone else’s body. I guess that’s just what being blind feels like, right? My personal black curtain in front of me makes it hard for me to try to concentrate on anything else. I wonder what other people look like when they are laughing, I wonder what kind of hand gestures they are using, I try and think about how many other people might be sitting alone right now. And then I think about all those people who might be staring at me, wondering what it must feel like to be blind, feeling sympathy for me and I sink a little more into my skin. It’s funny how you depend so much on all your other senses when your eyes aren’t being eyes. Simple things like smell, touch and sound begin to give life to everything around you. Being blind is supposed to have made me lose something, but instead all I could feel is the gain of my other senses. This thought somehow makes me feel more powerful among all the people I am sitting with.

Naqiyah Hasan

Forgiveness

Okay, let’s be real here.  Life isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies. People are going to hurt you and break your heart and talk shit behind your back. They’re going to mislead you and break your trust and shatter your faith. But at the end of the day, you have to forgive. You have to learn to give them the benefit of the doubt. Give them another chance. It’s only human to make mistakes and you need to remember that if you were on the other end, you’d want forgiveness too. Sometimes, even when they don’t ask for it, you still have to forgive them. Not just for them, but even for yourself. Because when you forgive someone, you’re not only freeing them from the burden of their sin, you’re freeing yourself from it too.
You know you keep wondering, how could they do that? After everything, why?
I suggest you put that aside. Because they’re not gonna have your answers. No one is. They did what they thought was right…or they knew it was wrong and they did it anyway. Irrelevant. Forgive.  And trust me; I know that’s so not fair. But then again, who said life is?
No matter how many times you’ve been hurt or backstabbed is irrelevant. You forgive them anyway. Forgiving people is not foolish or a sign of weakness. Forgiving, in fact, is power. And don’t just say it for the sake of saying it okay? Empty words are better left unsaid. Mean it. Mean each and every alphabet and then see how light you feel. Only when you really do forgive do you realize that you’ve been carrying the burden around with you as much as the person who sinned has. They might not realize their mistake. Forgive them anyway.  They might realize it but not admit to it, still forgive.
If God can forgive all your sins with the blink of an eye, then you can do the same for the people He Himself has created. Forgiveness isn’t even simply about a second chance, it’s also about belief. By forgiving someone you’re showing them that you believe. You believe that they can be better people. That they can do better than this. And honestly, who wouldn’t want to feel that way? Forgive no matter what they did. Nothing can be so punishable that they and you both have to carry it around for your entire life.
“We have to forgive to survive the labyrinth” - John Green

You can be the smile on someone’s face
or the other half of someone’s lace

You can be the ear you lend to hear
or you can be someone’s biggest fear

You can be like the flowers you see in May
or the worst part of someone’s day

You can be the napkin to someone’s tear
or the chills you send through someone’s dear

You can be like the stars you see at night
or you can be the reason to burn their light

You can be the paint in someone’s pallet
or you can be the person people fret

You can be a mother that shows care
or you can be someone’s darkest nightmare

You can be the sun in the sky
or you can be a pretty white lie

We all have both black and white
what matters is what we put in sight

Take a breath; you’re fine as long as you can see
you can be anyone you want to be.